The West End Horror – Or How NOT To Write A Sherlock Holmes Pastiche

I think The Seven-Percent Solution was the first Sherlock Holmes pastiche I ever read.  It’s been quite a few years, but I remember liking it quite a bit at the time.  Enough that I sought out all of the original stories and inhaled them in a weekend.  Perhaps my tastes have changed – or perhaps Meyer’s follow-up doesn’t live up to its predecessor – either way The West End Horror: A Posthumous Memoir of John H. Watson, M.D.  is an absolute horror (not at all in the way the author intended).

The fact is, Nicholas Meyers does so much wrong in The West End Horror (it doesn’t even merit a plot summary) that it’s the perfect jumping off point on how not to write a Sherlock Holmes pastiche.   So here are my 5 simple rules on what NOT to do when writing your own Sherlock Holmes mystery.

Rule #1 – Don’t Name Drop.

In this, as he did in the The Seven-Percent Solution, Meyers includes a supporting cast of real life figures:  Oscar Wilde, George Bernard Shaw, Gilbert & Sullivan and Sigmund Freud (in a repeat performance).  I suppose he’d argue that he included them because of their connection to the London theater, which is the setting for the mystery – but they could have all been replaced with entirely fictional characters and I can’t imagine anyone would have noticed.

We’ve all seen authors insert historical figures into a fictional narrative before *cough* Ahab’s Wife *cough* in what I can only assume is a misguided belief that by surrounding a fictional character with “real” people said character will in turn appear more real.  Sometimes it works.  More often is doesn’t.  More often the real-life figure appears historically inauthentic and the author has only succeeded in reinforcing that we are reading a work of fiction.

As in all things on this subject it’s best to follow Sir Arthur’s example.  Keep it ambiguous. Plop Holmes in a historically and geographically accurate setting.  Make passing references to an unexplored backlog of cases; in this way establishing a past, present and future for our characters.  If you must employ a character who has an actual birth certificate never give a name.  Let the readers connect the dots.

Rule # 2 – There is no Holmes without Watson.

Dr. John Watson writes about Sherlock Holmes.  Period.  There was no one else in the world on intimate terms with the man.  No one else who was there for every case.  No one else in whom the Great Detective put his trust.

And let’s face it… who else would put up with the arrogant twit?

With the exception of Mitch Cullin’s brilliant novel A Slight Trick of the Mind I’ve never read a pastiche where the omission of Watson didn’t create a great, gaping hole in the page.  Make no mistake – we love and admire Holmes because Watson loves and admires Holmes.

And for the love of all that is holy – Holmes  is not marriage material!

Which leads me into Rule #3.

Rule #3 – Holmes, married????! Pshaw!  My dear chap, Sherlock Holmes is the confirmed bachelor.

At the risk of alienating a certain group of Holmes’ fans – I’m not sure what else I can say about this.  My personal feelings on the subject are as follows:  Doyle wrote mysteries, not romances.  If you want to write a romance, or a mystery that features a romance, create your own Great Detective and give him another name.  Because, no matter how you slice it, Sherlock Holmes is a misogynist.  I’d say it was a part of his charm, except he’s not all that charming either.

Rule #4 – Don’t make excuses.

The conceit of Meyer’s pastiches are that he, Nicholas Meyer, has come into the possession of a long-lost manuscript of Dr. John Watson which reveals to the world a hereto unknown chapter in the life of the Great Detective.  The manuscripts are usually  damaged, with whole sections illegible, in a thinly veiled attempt to stave off the Holmesian enthusiasts from inundating Meyers with letters pointing out his inaccuracies.

I’m not sure why he worried… Doyle obviously didn’t.

You say pastiche,  I say plagiarism. No matter what you choose to call it – you’re ripping off Arthur Conan Doyle. If the man was still alive you’d be in court.  So once you’ve taken that bold step in your borderline criminal career, spare me the ethics.  Read the original stories and pilfer the hell out of them!!!!  Steal characters, case names, explain away those inconsistencies with wild and improbable leaps in deduction… or just ignore them altogether.

Rule # 5 – Sherlock Holmes Does Not Lower Himself to Fisticuffs

That’s right Guy Ritchie!  I’m talking to you! (Though I do sorta’ enjoy Jude Law as Watson).

The only physical exercise Holmes gets is a bit of a chase after escaping bad guys.  And even then I can’t imagine him accelerating above a determined trot.  As for physical combat… He and Watson carry pistols for a reason. I believe Holmes occasionally engages in swordplay – that’s perfectly acceptable as he’s able to maintain safe distance between himself and his opponent.  But hand-to-hand combat?  Risk a facer??? A possible concussion???   Anything that might damage that amazing brain?  Doubtful, dear readers.  Highly doubtful.

_______

Obviously, Meyers is not responsible for the complete list (even at that he doesn’t quite make the grade).  Ah well.  If, like me, you feel that the holidays & Sherlock Holmes just go together – please share your favorites (and least favorites) in the comments section.

And here’s what’s in my TBR Pile for the weekend:

Yup…that’s what I’ll be reading on Saturday evening: curled under a blanket, a cup of cocoa on the table next to me and my two dogs loudly and happily barking at the innocent and unsuspecting passersby outside (aren’t they adorable?).  Happy Christmas All!

Publisher:  E.P. Dutton & Co., New York (1976)

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The Monday After Christmas…

It’s December 28th and here’s a list of what Santa dropped off at our house this year.

  • Heirloom: Notes from an Accidental Tomato Farmer by Tim Stark – So far I’m really enjoying this book.  Basically, Stark began farming heirloom tomatoes in Pennsylvania and selling them to chefs at NYC’s Union Square Greenmarket.  Interesting reading particularly for vegetable gardeners.  Fortuitously, my Seed Savers Exchange catalog arrived a few weeks ago and March is right around the corner!  A great way to escape the ice and snow.
  • The Ventriloquist’s Tale by Pauline Melville – I am so excited about this book!  It was Melville’s first novel and winner of the 1997 Whitbread First Novel Award.  I took a peek at the Prologue, which establishes the narrator in a way that is surprisingly similar to Eating Air.
  • Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide by Nicholas D. Kristof & Sheryl WuDunn – A recent issue of The New York Review of Books had an article on this book which caught my interest.  The authors are a husband & wife journalist (and Pulitzer winning) team who in their travels discovered that  one of the things struggling countries have in common is the oppression of women.   In Half the Sky they explain how this kind of attitude toward women is not only morally wrong, but economically ruinous.
  • Plagues & Peoples by William H. McNeill – Originally published in 1976, Plagues & Peoples examines the effect of diseases (particularly large scale outbreaks) on history & society.   It’s covered with excerpts of rave reviews from the likes of The New Yorker, The New York Review of Books & the Washington Post.   This is a great additional to my library’s Disease shelf.
  • Interaction of Color: New Complete Edition by Josef Albers – A surprise Christmas gift, I’ve already begun flipping through the pages – but I anticipate the need for an extended sit down before I’m comfortable reviewing this gem.  The color illustrations are gorgeous and I won’t even get into how beautiful the books are, by themselves, in the slipcase.  This is one of those books that moves into the realm of an object, and if you have the opportunity to look one over in person (regardless of whether you are interested in art books) I definitely recommend doing so.

Books given as gifts are my favorite things, if only because they show as much about how the giver’s mind works as they do about the receiver’s tastes.  I’ve never been that big of a fan of the end of the year/end of the decade lists, because, let’s face it – the same books are pretty much repeated again and again.  But a list of the books exchanged over the Holidays… that’s always going to turn up something new.

Leave a comment below with what turned up under your tree (or other appropriate holiday accessory) this year…  And if you’re interested in what everyone else is reading the Monday after Christmas, stop by J. Kaye’s Book Blog for the weekly meme.

It’s Official! Fall is here – Canal House Cooking Volume No. 2

CHC vol 2 cover hi rez

It has been months… and the tomatoes are all gone.  Thank goodness the ladies over at Canal House have released the newest volume of their Canal House Cookbook No. 2:  Fall & Holiday (all decked out in gold).  Volume No. 2 is the perfect holiday gift, but don’t wait until Christmas to begin giving out copies.  These dishes look delicious and we recommend sharing them with family and friends in the upcoming weeks.

We loved the simplicity of the ingredients and the easy preparation we found in the Summer volume’s recipes.  Volume No. 2, though, is an entirely different animal.  Fall & Holiday are for entertaining in a big way – and Hamilton & Hirsheimer provide everything you need to know to host an unforgettable Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Year’s celebration.  The dishes are bit more complicated and labor intensive than those in the previous volume… we spotted several French recipes – coq au vin (made with rooster), etc.- which might intimidate the casual cook.  But the authors do a wonderful job of holding the reader’s hand and walking him/her through the steps gently.   They’ve also included familiar favorites like sweet potato pie, turkey and homemade cranberry sauce.  All the traditional staples of the season are represented – and a generous assortment of baked goods and mixed drink recipes that your guests will  appreciate.

Normally, we’re not big cookbook fans.  So we’re not sure what it is about the Canal House Cookbooks that’s grabbed us.  It could be the beautiful photographs and illustrations, the yummy recipes or the warm and friendly way they are written.  It could be how this particular volume has somehow captured that sense of coziness associated with cooking at home – don’t ask us how.  Or the way the recipes feel so traditional, yet modern at the same time – again, don’t ask us how.  Whatever it is, we recommend you experience it for yourselves.  Here’s a link to Canal House Cooking Vol. No. 2 – Fall & Holiday. The authors have provided some sample recipes from the book, including Roast Duck & Potatoes and a Chocolate Gingerbread.  Mmmmm…. sounds like Sunday dinner.